The Splash 103

Updated: Sep 12, 2021

The surf has finally picked up after a few weeks of no swell. I checked the surf cam Sunday morning, and they were giving conditions of 1 –2 ft with a light offshore wind. As this was the first swell in a while, I took the plunge and packed my boards and drove to the coast. I arrive at 8.30; the temperature is rising from a cool 8 degrees and the beach is already flooded with surfers, the surf cam was lying.

It’s kicking off.

Pure glass forming in sizeable waves of 4 – 5 ft with comfortable breaks in-between sets making the paddle out a comfortable one. I slam on my suit, wax my board and head straight out. The adrenaline is pumping, ecstatic that I didn’t decide to hit the snooze button and stay at home! On this typical day, I’m getting some decent sized waves. There are a fuck ton of people all sheltering around the same spot forever hoping to get their slice of the pie.

After a few waves I paddle out and set myself for the next to come on through and there they were, the Shit Talkers. Shit Talkers, a term I've coined for people who paddle out but just talk, talk, and talk without actually surfing. A few waves pass by them and they couldn't be in a more perfect spot but still, they let them slide. My frustration builds while they continue to talk absolute shit from who they are dating to what Renee did the previous weekend, it's all pure wank.

As social as surfing is or isn't, I’ve never thought of surfing as the place to have a deep conversation with my friends. For starters, I have none granted but also, I am surfing purely for my own selfish reasons. I don’t want to converse with someone while surfing, 89% of those also surfing don’t want to converse but yet here they were.

While the agony aunts continued to spill the gossip, I paddled around and got myself into prime position of the next set. On my next wave, I noticed that as soon as I was on the Shit Talkers were paddling for it further down the line. Are fucking kidding me? You’ve been talking this whole time, ignoring every opportunity literally handed to you and now, only now you wish to catch a wave and fucking snake me? Not a fucking chance.

I generate speed and make it obvious I’m coming their way. I’m not aggressive but certainly feel the need to exaggerate my presence. After all, it is my right. As I approach a few feet, they finally realise and pull off the wave before they could even catch it. Through the water, I could hear them bitching about me. I paddle back out and I am greeted by 4 eyes, all piercing, just wishing I would drown. I couldn’t give a fuck.

Shit Talkers, time wasters, annoying, and egotistical. I all for a yarn don’t get me wrong but there is a time and a place. The try-hards that talk all the talk and put nothing into practice, don’t think we can’t see you! I couldn’t care less that you’re chatting continuously, just don’t set yourself up in the lineup, float off with the current and let Renee be Renee.